Friday Funnies 1: How to be Good at Everything Like Me!

March 14, 2013  •  2 Comments

Scotty doing a backflip into a flock of ducks.P5220210 Looking at these photos of the cool stuff that I do all of the time, you might find yourself asking the following questions: “How does Scotty do it?”, “What makes Scotty so awesome?”, “How is he so good at everything?”, "What sort of product does he use to keep his hair so beautiful and shiny?", “How can I be cool like Scotty Rogers?”. Well here are a few trade secrets for those of you aspiring to be a semi-professional athlete, and full-time adventurer like myself. You don’t have to really be good at anything to have fun; here are 5 of Scotty’s secrets how:

  1. First things first, start with the wardrobe. Everybody knows that looking like you’re good at something is much more important than actually doing so. Fill your closet with the following outdoor brands: Prana, Patagonia, ArcTeryx, North Face, OR, Marmot, etc. Dress to impress, and you’ll have a good time peacocking around the mountain making sure everyone notices you. You may not send your 5.10 project, but you’ll definitely be the life of the party (with all those new threads, everyone will be waiting for you to bring all the delicious beverages as well).
  2. Find something you like to do, and start doing it. Don’t be afraid of how it might negatively affect the other aspects of your life. (i.e. climbing, high altitude cooking, para-golfing). This applies to drugs and alcohol abuse as well. You’ll be amazed at how much these things can affect your life! Commit yourself to something 100%
  3. Once you have the looks, and the activity, create an account on an internet forum and start posting multiple times per day. When you act like an expert, people really start to respect your opinion. Usually people are really friendly on the internet, especially when you instruct them exactly how to live their lives and micro-manage their decisions. Follow up these posts with photos of you doing something even radder than everyone else on the forum. This increase in popularity will really show you how the community supports the individual, and definitely make you feel good about yourself.
  4. I can’t stress enough the importance of putting up photos of you doing rad stuff. More important than the image of these activities themselves, however, is the pristine equipment that you own. If you have a brand new set of climbing cams, take a photo and put it on twitter to show how awesome you are! Warning: you don’t want to look like a newbie, so every time you get a new piece of gear, following the following easy steps.

a.  Attach your new gear to a 10-15 foot length of rope.
b.  Tie the other end of the rope to the rear tow hitch or rear bumper of your car.
c.  Drive down an unpaved road for 5-10 minutes.

This will increase your impression of experience to other people, and improve your self-image. Chances are you won’t actually use the gear, but this is about looking good, being experienced and respected, and having a good time, not about being good at anything.

  1. Start building up a small community of people who also enjoy this activity, and get together on a regular basis. Remember, you’re not actually trying to be good at anything, just giving the impression of being good, so whenever it’s your turn to climb, or walk the highline, etc., use one of the following excuses:

a.  “My ankle is acting up again.”
b.  “I’m too hung-over, you can go for it dude.”
c.  “Nah, I’ll just take photos today.”
d.  “That’s way above my level.”
e.  “That’s way below my level.”
f.  “That would be at my level if I had been training.”
g.  “I definitely could have sent that last year.”
h.  “It’s too hot, I’m not getting good friction.”
i.  “It’s too cold, I don’t want to be on the route when it starts snowing.”

Even though you’re not participating, continue to give advice to the other people you’re hanging out with. This is called “beta” and make sure everyone knows you have the “beta”. Use the word “beta” when you give “beta” so you sound like you actually have good “beta.”

Once you’ve done all of these things, your perception of yourself, and more importantly, other people’s perceptions of you, will drastically improve. Having a good time is all about other people’s perception of you, so you’ll find that after even a few days, you’ll obtain positive results. Follow these 5 easy steps and you could easily become the next Scotty Rogers! It’s as simple as that!


Comments

3.Marc Radloff(non-registered)
This is such an amazing article Scotty. I am literally crying! PS. I hope you have the "BETA" on base or i'm in big trouble.
1.GingerCrush(non-registered)
Just when I'd begun to think that all "athletes" are mere oxygen thieves, along comes the fresh air of ScottyRog. I have no idea what this guy's trying to sell me, but I've got first dibs on the pre-order! This guy's the real deal...I'll follow him anywhere, as long as 'anywhere' is Eddie's for happy hour.
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