Friday Funnies 3: Why Nobody Should Become a BASE Jumper, Ever

March 29, 2013  •  3 Comments

 

BASE jumping is to be taken very seriouslyDSC_2815 Modern BASE is essentially the exclusive night club of extreme sports. Loads of people line up wanting to get in. They look their best and try to impress other people in the line outside the door. The bouncer is making sure that only the coolest people get in the door. On the inside, the scene is even more intense. Everyone is starting conversations about themselves, talking about how awesome they are for being in the night club, making judgments about the appearance and abilities of the other people in the night club, and always trying to look their best. I guess the only noticeable difference between this metaphorical BASE jumping night club and any other night club that I've ever seen is that this night club has more GoPros per patron than any other after hours dance and beverage establishment in the world.

The problem with the BASE night club is that everyone is slowly drinking themselves to death. While it looks really cool from the outside, it looks even cooler on the inside, but all these cool people are secretly unhappy, and are losing the ability to live a normal life. Over the last decade, BASE jumping has become a serious problem, so I’d like to share with you a few reasons why you, the reader, should never ever become a BASE jumper.

1. Most people don’t have what it takes to be not only physically capable enough, but also good looking enough, to become a BASE jumper. It isn’t a recreational sport, it’s a lifestyle. Just like going to law school, owning a dog, or doing crystal meth, you have to completely dedicate yourself to the activity. It isn't something to be taken lightly, otherwise your efforts might go to waste. You can’t only go to the gym to train your exits off the diving board and do crunches in front of the women’s Pilates class, you have to go all the way. Expensive threads, a fast car with lots of stickers on the back, and shiny new overpriced sunglasses are incredibly important.

2. Even when you are able to throw down the big bucks to obtain the requisite lifestyle, you need the positive BASE jumper attitude to go with it. Caution, inhibition, and good-decision-making need not apply. Do you only have 10 jumps off the bridge in Idaho? Why not go open up a new building jump in Chicago? The worst that can happen in the windy city is that you land in front of a bunch of beautiful women and manage to take a minimum of two of them home with you. Worst Case Scenario. I know this sounds horrible, and most people just aren’t able to make this kind of commitment. Remember, BASE is a lifestyle, not just a simple activity.

3. The absolute number one reason why you should not become a BASE jumper is because it really isn’t any fun at all. While it may look like a blast, it only lasts a couple seconds; one minute max (sound familiar guys?). The whole time you’re actually doing it, you’re stressed out, and your mind is elsewhere. Instead of enjoying the moment as it comes, you’re obligated by your BASE jumping duties to document every moment of the jump, from multiple angles, and you’re plagued by the most difficult decisions of your life: how can I word a facebook status update so that I can make myself look absolutely the coolest possible? Which photo of the jump should I post on instagram? By the time you land and pack up your gear, you haven’t enjoyed a single second of the refreshing freefall, the flight through a canyon at sunset, or seeing the deer grazing in the landing area. All of this just becomes a nuisance and a distraction to what’s really important.

4. Another reason to not become a BASE jumper, is that while your “friends” who are jumping with you seem to “care” about you, their “priorities” are all focused on themselves. You’ll share a few smiles and get some radical footage of each other to brag about later at the bar, but if you get injured, pretty much nobody will ever talk to you again. You’ll be forgotten and alone while everyone else keeps jumping. Nobody will come visit you in the hospital unless it’s too windy to jump, and even then, ain't nobody got time for that. Once you’re healthy again, people will welcome you back with open arms, but you won’t know about all the “shit-talking” that went on behind your back while you were gone. Because BASE jumpers are incapable of making any mistakes whatsoever, your accident will tarnish your BASE reputation for life. This is a competitive sport people, if you can’t stay at the top, you might as well not even be trying.

5. On a more serious note, death is a permanent by-product of BASE jumping, and it can really ruin any other plans or commitments you might have in your life. Now you might be thinking: “Hey Scotty, I thought BASE jumpers weren’t capable of making any plans or commitments outside of jumping.” Well, you’re wrong: not all jumpers are created equal (at least that’s what the very top level jumpers want you to think), and there's a slim chance that you might not decide to jump for your entire life (although many people are BASE jumpers until the day they die). But, if you've ever planned on being employed in any way, having a passable relationship, making one of those 401k retirement things, or even getting married, BASE jumping probably isn’t for you. Death has a way of turning a lot of those plans upside down. It’s hard to commute to the office, enjoy a romantic relationship, lift up to 50 pounds in the shipping warehouse, or just generally get around, when your skeletal structure isn’t intact.

So these are some things to think about, and some of the main reasons why I never encourage anyone to become a BASE jumper. It is a really big life commitment, and most people don’t have big enough brains to understand how awesome BASE jumpers really are. Also, the fewer active jumpers that are out there, the more peace and quiet I can get on my favorite local exit points, so back off!

 

If you like what your read, check out last week's Friday Funnies: How to Approach Women Without any Knowledge of their Native Language


Comments

3.B Mos(non-registered)
There is brilliance in every written word here Scotty! Keep it up buddy, your creativity and comedic relief to serious life decisions makes me smile on a regular basis! Love you man and keep jumping for the right reasons, as you always have...
2.Kind of a big name around here...(non-registered)
"So enough about me... what do YOU think of me?"

Now will I fit in?
1.absolutely nobody imporant.(non-registered)
This is fucking brilliant.
Thanks.
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