Friday Funnies 2: How to Approach Women Without any Knowledge of their Native Language

March 22, 2013  •  1 Comment

Theybrazillian butt

Butt Photo by Hayley Ashburn

In Brazil I’ve learned a few words of Portuguese, but for the most part I’m useless. Being shy with women in general isn’t a great place to start, and when I find myself on a beach literally surrounded by perfect tens, I don’t really know what to do. However, after a little bit of practice, some trial, and a whole lot of error, here’s what I’ve discovered. Caution, the following information is incredibly useful if you need practice getting rejected.

  1. Make the very American assumption that the girl you’re speaking to knows English. Like any good member of the male gender, start talking rapidly about yourself and your interests, your opinions, your life philosophy and what you’re doing in this country in the first place. Continue talking. The “conversation” will reach a point where she feels that she needs to speak for the first time, but if you continue talking, you can avoid the inevitable and very likely discovery that she has no idea what you just said. Either way, you made eye contact, which is a good start. If making out is first base, then eye contact is like getting nosebleed tickets for $5: at least your in the ballpark.

  2. Imitate the actions of other males in the region. In Brazil, I’ve noticed a lot of men walking up and down the beach wearing “swimsuits” with no more constituent fabric than a pair of socks. If these tan, muscular and overtly intimidating guys have luck strutting up and down the beach, then they might be onto something. Run into town, get yourself some shiny sunglasses, a dish-towel and a spray tan (with extra shading in the abdominal region) then hit the beach! Nothing says “look at me” more than a sign with the words “look at me”, but following the instructions above is a very close second.

  3. Become unbelievably talented at some sort of universal non-verbal language. For example: dancing. If you’re at the club with your bros and you’re getting down with some ladies on the dance floor, play to your strengths! For me, any time I open my mouth is an example of something that isn’t one of my strengths. Flow with the music, make excessive eye contact with your target between strobe flashes, and make sure she knows you mean business. You might have to take part in an impromptu dance battle with another guy, or worse, her date, but do your best. When you win with a flurry of headspins and other various gymnastic dance maneuvers, she’ll come up to you and finally say something. The music will be too loud to tell what language she’s speaking, but gesture to the door and get a cab to her place, making out the whole way home (a practical way of avoiding language use.)

  4. Once you get to her place, two vital pieces of information will come into play: a) she’ll come up for air and realize that you don’t speak her language; and b) you’ll realize that she, like most non-Americans in their early twenties, lives with her parents. Don’t let this hold you back. If anything, when she shuts you down, you can hang out in the kitchen for some free grub, and maybe start to make a move on her mom.

  5. This is the most obvious option, but requires the most amount of work: Enroll in a language program at a local school or tutoring center, and actually begin learning the local language. Most of these schools have a free trial lesson policy: you show up for the first class in the session and if you like it, you pay for the rest of the sessions. It works because they intimidate you by showing you how much of the language you really don’t know. Check out a few different classes and find the one with the hottest instructor. Enroll in this class. The real struggle here will be getting the teacher’s attention after class. She’ll usually have a strict policy involving not having relationships with any of her students and some nonsense like that. Consider this a challenge and do your best. If you’re lucky, you’ll end up with a more intimate knowledge of her native tongue, so to speak…

So there are my helpful hints and tips on how to make it happen in a foreign country. Now, let it be known that none of these items have actually ever worked for me, or for anyone I know, but they are all based on true stories... I promise.

If you like what you read, check out last week's Friday Funnies: How to be Good at Everything Like Me!

 


Comments

Bryan Cole(non-registered)
Classic...
#3 - This hands down reminded me of Starsky vs. Dancing Rick
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