Friday Funnies 5: Messing with Moab Motorists

April 19, 2013  •  Leave a Comment

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It’s tourist season again in Moab, meaning there are plenty of people visiting the beautiful places in and around Arches and Canyonlands National Parks while desperately trying their hardest not to leave the protective shrouds of their expensive vehicles. If all goes well, no walking is required in the amazing American National Park system! The most adventurous of tourists can make the treacherous 0.9 mile trek to see the incredibly improbable Delicate Arch, if only to take an iconic photo to show to their friends on instagram, facebook, twitter, and hell, why not mail it out old school too to make sure grandma gets in on the fun!

One of my favorite things in life is messing with people and last week that opportunity came to me in a brilliant flash of opportunistic spontaneity. My mom and stepdad came into town to whoop my ass into shape on the bicycle, and we were riding back from Potash when my derailleur forcibly extracted itself from the remaining structure of my otherwise functional bicycle. Without an apparatus to hold my chain in place, my bike was quickly rendered useless, while I was rendered stranded and without adequate transportation to continue on the remaining journey home.

Waiting for the parental units to return with a vehicle to retrieve me, I had the brilliant idea to lay down on the side of the road which, on a Friday, was very busy by Moab standards, and pretend like I had flown off my bicycle and was laying unconscious in the ditch. With pleasure, I concocted fantastic ways of positioning my body as to portray the worst kind of injury possible. With appendages askew, I rested peacefully on the hot gravel, pebbles and glass shards awaiting any sort of emotional response from the passing motorists. Alas! Not a single person stopped, or so much as slowed down to express concern from the protection of their monstrous sport utility vehicles! For 10 minutes I lay there, becoming sore from this new, and very morbid, form of yoga that I had discovered. As I sat there contemplating life, questioning humanity, and wondering if the cloud to my left more resembled a crocodile or an erupting box of peanut brittle, I come to the conclusion: I would receive more attention in the center of the road! But the dwindling portion of my brain that is dedicated to self-preservation got the better of me. At last I saw my mother approaching with a Subaru and a chocolate bar, and the fun was over.

This experience got me thinking of the disconnect we feel with other people in this new digital age where cell phones trump neighborly compassion. Once I broke down in my car on a major highway and didn’t have a cell phone with me. It took about 20 minutes to flag down a car to borrow a cell phone to call a towing company. How can we restore that connection with other people? Just because you’re in a big metal box with wheels doesn’t mean other people don’t care about you, and vice versa! Here are some other fun ways to mess with motorists:

  1. The classic invisible rope trick: Recruit a friend and get on opposite sides of the road. When a car approaches, act like you’re holding a rope up across the road. If they notice you, hopefully they slow down and give you an angry stare!
  2. The underground tunnel and crosswalk trick: Find a road with buildings on either side that have an underground tunnel between them. This can often be a government facility, university, hospital, etc. Recruit about 70 best friends and get a big chain of people going across the crosswalk, entering the building on the other side, going through the tunnel, back to go, collect $200 and repeat. Continue for about 5 minutes until all of the motorists are properly annoyed.
  3. Try hitchhiking to your landscaping job with the tools you require: a chainsaw and some garbage bags.
  4. Roll down the window of your car, attach a baby carrier with a fake baby in it to the top of your car, turn the music up to 11 and try driving out of the mall parking lot without someone physically trying to stop you.
  5. Submitted by my awesome brother Paul: get a Gorilla suit and a Banana suit, and randomly chase each other across the road at various intersections.

If you have any other ideas, let me know! If they’re good enough I might even do them and make a video for your viewing pleasure.

Read the previous Friday Funnies here: Ways to Make an Airport Experience Less Boring.

 


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